I can’t decide if I am a coward running away from hardwork and perseverance or just a person who is too afraid to have nothing in her hards after these 2 years of fighting for myself.
Miss me more
There are days when I feel awful and when people say that they love me in those days, I feel like they should not but then they keep on telling me and making me feel that I am loved and that they care about me and then I feel this warm yellow in my heart and I face those shitty days with a tad bit of warmth and lots and lots of love.
I love you too…so so much 😝
I love staying at home doing one thing or the other. It’s not like I don’t like going out. It’s just that I can’t stay out for long and since these “gatherings” start at 8 in the evening and I start wanting to leave at about 9, I don’t see the reason why I need to do “the tourist”.
And there is this person that I know. She wants me to be more of her kind of social; going out, debating (her thing for talking), having lunch together and so one.
I usually get nervous when I reject people’s invitations, but her’s I enjoy bailing on. I have constantly been telling her to not force me around into uncomfortable situations and she just does not listen. She gets a 10/10 for her efforts for her efforts but she needs to stop.
We aren’t even that close. I have known her for a year. We just sat next to each other in classes. We’ve never really had a good conversation about anything. She is loud, opinionated, brut and persistent about things that are least interesting; about the tram that changes it’s 2 rails into one and why it does so, about how she needs to eat more fat to make her skin moisturized, about how I should not stay in and how I should get out of “my comfort zone”.
And damn you! I am gonna come to classes at 8am from Monday to Friday. I don’t need you to send me 3 messages at 7 asking if I am coming or not!
A lot of things are happening. I come from a country where there are lots of rivers with very strong current. If one were to try to swim or even cross this river, they would probably get swept away and no amount of force would bring you to the shore. All this to say that I feel like I need to let myself be carried away by the force of everything around me to make it easier for me.
Amidst all this, I had the time to reflet upon myself while folding my clothes.
“I have lots of clothes”
“It’s not like I need them but I have them”
“Every month I convince myself that I do not need anything more, and yet the first week of every month I come home with something I will probably not like in 2 months.”
“Is this me managing everything going on?”
“If it is then it’s less of managing and more of hiding my stress under these piles of clothes”
“Or maybe it is just me trying my best to hide the fact that I believe I lack in the visuals”
“To be honest I don’t have that interesting personality that some people have”
“I should probably stop connecting all my problems with one another”
I like to believe that I am a realist. I don’t always see the good the future holds. The truth is if there were scales to it, I would be nanometers away from pessimistic; a realist pessimist? But that is no way to live life. I believe so. Because it’s crippling. These days the biggest challenge for me has been to stop planning the days after my failure (one might say the plan B). The scariest is the fact that I don’t want the plan B but I am investing so much of my time into it, rather than just working on succeeding.
I feel sad. So very sad. Not upset, not disappointed either. Just sad.